Thursday, October 09, 2008


I am with my family at a sporting event. I leave to go to the library where I have tasks to take care of. I am to perform a psychological evaluation, only when I get there I realize that i cannot perform it on the child that i was supposed to, and instead i have to ask my coworker, a PsyD, if i can test him. he reluctantly obliges, but says that we have to do it upstairs. Himmelfarb of my dream has no internal staircase, and so we must go up the fire escape to get upstairs. as we are climbing up the metal grate-stairs, i try to grab these tennis balls that will serve as diversions, rewards, for my subject, my coworker. the balls are small and deflated, and as i try to grab them they fall between the metal grates of the fire escape, out of my reach and to the ground below.
i begin my evaluation. my coworker, the subject, is participating well, though he has an attitude about it. we are moving forward with the testing on the fire escape, outside, since he wants to do it there. i am fine with this at first, and only once we are well into the process do i start to question the location. very quickly i move from content to terrified. i wonder what will happen if the wind picks up and carries my testing supplies, my cards, away. and i wonder what if i happen to reach after the card...then i myself could fall. i am in danger. i could fall. and what if there is an earthquake and this whole fire escape comes crashing down? this is a terrible place to be, a horrible place to do the testing...i am terrified of heights all of a sudden, aware that i am usually not, aware that just seconds ago i was fine, and now i am terrified. i MUST get back into the building IMMEDIATELY.
we go back inside and i return to where my family is watching the sporting event. what previously was a baseball game is now a women's water polo game: Michigan versus Ohio State. it is in the waning moments of this tie game, sudden death, of a water polo game that i decide that i should substitute in, that i should be playing. i sub in and we are on offense. we turn the ball over. as we are swimming back to the defensive end my teammates cannot tell who on the other team has the ball. grey and buckeye red, the ball blends in with their uniforms...the goddamn cheaters! i see who has the ball and i make a move to knock it out of the girl's grasp as she swims. my attack was illegal and they call a penalty on me. play is immediately restarted and i make another aggressive move, this time stealing the ball legally. i try to pass it down the pool, towards our offensive end, but nobody is open. i am being double-, triple-teamed. i see that their goalie is not in the goal and, despite the distance, i decide to go for it. i launch the ball three quarters of the pool, realizing that if i throw it long it will go over the goal and out of bounds, and if i leave it even a few feet short, it will get stuck in the water. i try to throw the ball with a low angle, but very fast and hard. it lands just short of the goal, stuck in the water. only a few inches short of crossing the line and ending the game. i try to make it go in with my mind, for a wave to push it in, or for one my teammates to take it the last few inches. then i decide to swim for it, and as i swim i try to make waves to force it in. i get to the ball just as an OSU girl does, and we fight for it, and i manage to push it just across the line. we win! i turn to the crowd, to a buckeye fan in the first row, and as rudely as i possibly can, as hatefully as possible, yell at her that "the buckeyes fucking suck!!!" and i mean it sooo much.
i celebrate the win with my family, receive the praise and love of the victory. then i head back to the library. the feds are there, investigating a case of a fallen child, a child who has fallen out of an open window to the street below. my PsyD coworker is liable, and he maintains a surly attitude despite the investigation's seriousness. the feds show us a video of how and why small children fall out of windows...of low windows that open like blinds...the video is disturbing and i fear and wonder whether it is the video of my coworker's child-falling-death circumstance. this is all very painful to watch. more clips are shown of children falling. in one the child steps over the edge and falls below, landing on its feet and crying based on the pain and the scary feeling. the child's caretaker has thrown himself over the edge too, only a few stories down, and he lands less easily. it is all very disturbing.


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